My life is better when you are an active part of it.

I just said that to someone who I have called one of my best friends since eighth grade, circa 1999. We go through periods where we are extremely close, and then will go months without speaking. But every time we rekindle our friendship, it's like nothing has changed and we pick up right where we left off. 

I'm beginning to realize that all of my friendships are like this, which is probably why I have a severe lack of "good friends". This issue was brought to my attention when Eli proposed to me and I was subsequently left to choose the girls who would stand by my side and support me at my wedding (aka: the all important bridesmaids). This has been an absolute debacle. You see, I had very few friends due to various reasons, and the small number of friends I did have was about to dwindle because of my pending nuptials. 

I thought choosing my Maid of Honor was a no-brainer. I chose the first person I told about my engagement. My best friend from college, who I foolishly thought was my "Best friend forever". She accepted the position, but became distant. When attending wedding preparation events, like touring venues, she was so late she missed the entire thing. She later stopped responding to phone calls and text messages, even when they were about her general well being and not even wedding related. It was months of this. Then, in September, on the day I was going wedding dress shopping,

I got a text message from her, harshly backing out of the wedding. We haven't spoken since. She is now engaged and getting married the same time as me. An extra little stab in the back, I suppose. 

As for the other bridesmaids, I knew I was going to ask my sister in law to be in the wedding. She is now my Matron of Honor, and I should have chosen her from the beginning. But the issue came in when I realized just how many friends Eli has and would like to be by his side on our wedding day. And well, for things to be visually equal, I would need the same number on my side (and they would need to be in order of height smallest to tallest from bride/groom outward). This is just a small peek into the issues that I struggle with mentally. But back to the point.... I didn't have enough friends. What was I to do? My best friend since my teen years is a man, so that would not work in my scheme of visual equal-ness. I ended up asking my cousin that I am closest with, although we were never particularly close, due to living on opposite sides of the country. (However, I do think that had we lived close to one another we would be the kind of cousins that are more like sisters.) I also asked a girl who I got to know from volunteering at a camp for kids with AIDS. We've spent a total of two weeks (?) together in our lives- be it, they were very intense and bonding weeks, but to be honest, we aren't close any of the other 51 weeks out of the year. Just the one week at camp. And last year, she wasn't even there. I also asked another friend from Penn State, who agreed, but later backed out through text message. I recently reconnected with a girl who was by far my best friend from my college years spent in Pittsburgh. We reunited at my 28th birthday celebration, and once again it was like the 5 years of us not talking never happened. We now speak almost daily and see each other pretty much weekly. I hope I don't flake on this friendship again, because she is an incredible friend and I am lucky to have her in my life. But with the drop outs, I still don't have enough female friends. So, Eli has to sacrifice and I feel bad.

You see, growing up, I was always more of a tomboy. I spent all of my time with my dad and my brother. I idolized my brother. He was a couple years older than me and cool, athletic and popular. Everyone loved him, and if they didn't, it was because they envied him. So I played sports, just like him and I hung out with the boys, just like him. I suppressed urges to pursue dance and ballet classes or wear dresses. I refused to brush my hair and fought baths. From a young age I worried and stressed about my weight, so I decided I would not try to look nice and be girly, because I would be made fun of regardless. If I tried, then that was like an extra blow, because instead of just pretending not to care, I would actually have tried (and failed) to look nice and be girly. Kids can be cruel. So with this decision to not try, that ended any chance of having female friends. I was weird and different. At this point, I started befriending boys, that I would meet at the park and play basketball with,or play in the mud with, or just be assholes with. Those friendships lasted through most of high school, but ended as I began my first real romantic relationship when I was about 17. This relationship was emotionally and eventually physically abusive and changed who I was. It made me crawl even further into my shell and shut the world out. I was depressed, at times suicidal, and that's the way he liked it. He cut off my communications with my other friends, and now my only friends were his friends. That's when I lost my childhood friends... Never to be reunited. The damage done was too great. They had no explanations for my behaviors in our last couple of years of high school. Had no clue what I was dealing with or going through, and were too busy to think there may be something deeper going on. So they made it clear they would be parting ways from our friendship. That group of guys is still extremely close, and I wish I were still a part of that. They are amazing, incredible people, and I sincerely wish we could have been a part of each other's lives over the years. Although that still wouldn't have helped with the lack of bridesmaids...

Here is a photo of me with my best friend, Britt. From the first year of our friendship to my birthday this year when we reunited.

She's the best. :)

Sometimes I feel like writing...

I used to write quite often. I wrote short stories that I would illustrate. I wrote poetry. I wrote daily observations. but then came a day when I just stopped.... I don't remember why it happened. Perhaps I thought I was too busy to write or maybe I came to the conclusion that I had nothing important to say. And well.... I still don't really have anything important to say, but I've been feeling this urge to write creeping up from inside. A little voice inside my head that I can no longer ignore. I feel better when I write. My vocabulary improves and expands. My narrative voice becomes stronger. And let's be honest... Despite the subject of your writing, there is something therapeutic in the act of writing.

I'm not going to pretend like I live some exciting life that should be interesting to others, or that I'm some incredibly cool person who should have people listening to my every word. I'm pretty much a homebody. I'm 28 years old. I work a typical office job, where I spend eight hours a day in a cubical despite having an degree to teach Art (education is in a poor state in Pennsylvania, so I have withdrawn myself from it for the time being). I am engaged and planning an August wedding, which takes up most of my time. That is pretty much my current life. 

Here is a picture of myself and my fiancé, Eli

I think that is going to be all for now, just a brief introduction. Hopefully, I will write something soon. But I must say, I have started many blogs, but they don't tend to last long. I run out of things to say or forget about them. There is a good chance that this will be no different, but I think it's important for me to give it another try. So here goes nothing...